There’s a hip hop song called “Swagger like that” featuring a verse from Jay-Z about not being able to wear skinny jeans cause his “knots don’t fit”. Now, I had to look that up in the That is not the cojones he references in his song “On to the Next One” (even MORE awesome live than in my iPod), but a roll of cash that you keep in your pocket.

Needless to say, I have no such knots. I do, however, have the worst charley horse on my inner thigh. Oh, the gym. Yes, I was at the gym tonight with Trainer Ana, who had me laughing and sweating bullets, swearing and prevaricating, all at the same time. What did we do tonight?

Jumping. I’m not allowed to refer to it as skipping rope, but you might remember it that way. I’m getting pretty good, though I’m a lot better using Ana’s $100 rope than I am the cheap ass plastic one which constantly catches on my shoes. We did a lot of jumping. I like jumping. Even when I’m not getting a good flow, I can still usually hit about 15 jumps before I catch the rope up. My max thus far is about 80 consecutive jumps, which is pretty fricking good if you ask me.

Anyway, post jumping we did some medicine ball slams. About two weeks ago we switched it up to a 15 pound ball. I have this to say about that: it’s surprisingly hard to lift 15 pounds over and behind your head and then back over your head and slam it into the ground. Thank god they bounce, because the thought of having to bend over and pick it up too? My charley horse just twitched.

After that we did some step ups. We’re up to five risers now, which is a serious step up. We also used a 20 pound bar, which I lamely attempted to hold over my head. I’m not so good at the holding stuff over my head. It huurrrrrrrrrrts. (That was me, whining. Did you get the full feel of it?). Then we did some kettlebell squats. Who doesn’t love a little kettlebell action? Hmm? C’mon. You know you love your bell. Ring it! Swing it! (Okay, now I’m just delirious. I should really take some advil and go to bed!)

After we did this circuit for what felt like forever but was really only 30 minutes, Ana whipped out a new “special” activity. Picture a 30 foot long thick rope attached to a pillar. At the other end of the rope is a gym mat of the thick, vinyl kind (old school, not yoga style). Sit on this mat and pull yourself, using the rope, to the pillar, over industrial carpet (so the mat slides). When you get to the pillar, get up, walk back out to the end of the rope, and lie down on the mat with your head towards the pillar and pull yourself towards the pillar, with your feet in the air. Yes, I said in the air. We did that a few times.

I don’t know why Trainer Ana hates me so much. Let’s just say I was pretty happy that she need a few minutes to put the stuff away after that one. It was a very Jillian activity. Oddly not the cause of any of my knots though. We finished with some lat pulldowns, some chest stretches, and something to lengthen my neck. The only vanity move of the night. Good times.

I hurt, people. I hurt. I hurt so much that even though I have to pee I’m seriously considering sitting here for a while longer because getting up is going to hurt, and sitting down to pee is going to hurt even more. And yet, I will persevere. Because I really don’t want to pee on my furniture. Yanno?

Who’s been working out lately? How’s it going? When are all the New Year’s bastards going to stop going to the damn gym? The parking lot is killing me, people!