So, today I get up. It’s monday, so I’m a little groggy. It’s kinda dark, but kinda not, so I didn’t turn on the overhead light, just the one on my nightstand. I knew I was going to wear a skirt today, but wasn’t sure which one. So, I stood at the closet door for about 3 or so minutes, agonizing. You know the Monday morning routine, right?

Anyway, I finally decide on my outfit and get my bits together. I sit down on the bed to put on my tights. Sitting was clearly not the right move, because I sort of paused, listening to whatever was on the radio at the time. And evidently, I lost focus. I stand up, tights on, and think to myself “huh… something’s a little off here”, but let’s face it, it’s Monday morning and I don’t give a crap.

I walk to the bus, and sweet mary, for the first time in almost two years the bus that stops right outside my house showed up before the one that I pick up down the street. Hot damn, I said, and stepped up onto the bus. Once again I think to myself “huh… my tights feel funny”. I do a little sort of shimmy hop as I walk down the aisle of the bus and think nothing more of it.

I switch buses and head downtown. I get off the bus and now I’m sure something’s wrong with my tights. I’ve got this odd pressure on my upper left thigh. So I do this sort of weird shimmy hop up a main street in downtown on my way to work (thank god it was only a block, cause I must have looked ridiculous), trying to pull up or adjust my tights surreptitiously.

I get to the corner and realize that my friend is right: you can actually see right inside my office (to the corner where the desk is) from the street. And that’s before turning on the light to my office. But, I notice that there’s an area where the windows are tinted and you can’t see in there as well. Huh, I say. I never woulda guessed that. The joys of working on the 2nd floor, right?

I get into my office and I know I’m not going to make it through the day without taking off my tights. But what am I going to do? Apparently you can see inside my office from a pretty major intersection! So I mosey over to the darker windows, ease up under my skirt, feel around and realize that I have my damned tights on backwards. You know, it’s got some reinforcement panel with two seams in the back, except they’re now in the front. And twisted all to hell and back. Doh.

Now I’ve got an issue. How to get my tights off, turned around, and back on without anyone on the street seeing me? Yeah… there was some crouching, some shimmying, some twisting, a feat of covert undressing worthy of a high school locker room, a quick sit down in the most covert area of my office, some re-installation of the tights, another crouch and then I’m stuck. I actually have to stand up, hoist up my skirt, and pull up my tights. So I shift a couple of office chairs (all in a crouch) over to the area where I’m sitting to create a barrier, stand up while hoisting, shimmy down my skirt, and voila. I have tights and a skirt, all in the right spots. By this time, I don’t give a hoot if anyone on the street can see me, because this was an act of heroic dressing.

Man, I’m telling you. Next monday I’m wearing pants.