Today I went to the clinic for my six week appointment with the doctor. We spent about 30 minutes together and it was really great. We talked about my problems with hunger, and how I need to keep working with the nutritionist on that issue. We also talked about how much weight I can be expected to lose at my current average calorie intake (I’m averaging around 2150 calories a day).

Here’s a summary of the key points that I thought might be of interest to you all:

  • Executives in the public service demonstrate obesity at three times the rate of the general population. Totally not surprising to me, a person who used to eat takeout for lunch every single day so I’d have an excuse to leave my desk.
  • Protein cannot affect your kidneys if they were healthy to start. Of all my organs, I’m going to say I’m proudest of my kidneys. They’re rock stars of filtration, people. So, bring on the protein.
  • I may lose less than 20 pounds on this program, but that’s okay if that’s the calorie level I’m comfortable with over the long term.
  • Restriction of my favourite foods is going to cause me to start bingeing again. I can’t cut out foods like chocolate.
  • Bringing my calorie level below 1600 is going to cause me to start bingeing again.
  • As a result of the two above points, I may never have a BMI in the “normal” range. But, since that wasn’t my goal, I’m okay with that.
  • There are drugs that can help to suppress my hunger, but they have potential side effects that are rare and reversible but serious enough to be considered strongly, especially considering my past history of getting the most potentially fatal allergic reactions to drugs of anyone I’ve ever met.
  • I need to come to terms with a sense of balance with food. Celebrations are always going to happen, and on those days my calories are going to be higher. But discretionary days, when you eat out cause you were too lazy to make your lunch, those are the days that kill you.
  • If I only have 30 minutes a day to dedicate to losing weight, I should spend it on food prep, not on going to the gym. Weighing and measuring and prepping food for the next day will prevent discretionary disasters, which will make it easier for me to enjoy celebration foods.

I knew a lot of that stuff, but sometimes it’s good to have someone say it to you, you know?  The last point was interesting. I’ve always tried to lose weight through increasing my activity. I have a pretty good base level of activity. Now I need to refocus on the food. I need to make that happen a little better, with a little more organization.

So, I’ve prepped snacks and lunches for this week. I have four lunches in the freezer, a large container of cottage cheese ready to be taken to work with a jar of new jam (blackcurrant and pomegranate!), protein bars ready to go. I tried a new light cheese today (allegro herbs and something) and it was yummy.

Here’s the part about the appointment that was weird. The doc asked me why I hadn’t weighed in there yet. It’s not like I don’t know how much I weigh. I weigh in at home in the mornings and the number just slipped under a milestone for me. But it’s not as important to me as what my belly looks like, and how I feel. More important to me is the fact that a pair of pants I could barely get up three months ago are now not only fitting, but comfortable enough to wear all day (no wedgie, peeps!).

So he asked me why I hadn’t weighed in there, and guess what happened? I started to cry. I did. I got all sweaty and I choked up and I got teary and then one slipped out. I was thinking about it on the way to the gym after the appointment. I know why. I’m scared of scales that aren’t mine, that aren’t private. I associate the scale with failure. I associate it with plateaus and not hitting my “numbers” and not losing enough weight (that would be what I expected to lose). Sure, I can weigh in at home, but it means more to me when I’m using someone else’s scales and when they’re writing it down in a file or a book. It’s so public and so… emotional. I’ll never forget how hysterical I was when I left fitness ridge last time. I’d lost so little weight and I’d worked so damned hard. I went home and ate and ate and ate and ate some more. I don’t want that this time.

I know that my scale is inching down. I know that my clothing is fitting better. I know I’m getting there. I think I’ve lost around eight pounds. But the number is less relevant than the downward trend.