Before I get to the realizations bit, I wanted to share with you guys that I signed up for a basketball clinic and it started last night. My friend Sunshine and I are registered, and I shanghaied another friend into coming along for the “bring a friend for free” day. We all know each other (we used to work together) and lo and behold, we were the only three people there.

Oh man, it was awesome. A former Carleton U basketball player is teaching us how to play. I had told Sunshine that I was looking for an activity that was more low impact, steady heart rate. She translated that in her head to “not gonna sweat, won’t be hard”. I guess I should have clarified that I meant “lower impact in comparison to squash”, where you regularly bounce off the wall and have to do a lot of lunging and pivoting on a dime.

So yes, there were buckets of sweat last night, and a few sore muscles this morning. More sweat for me, sore muscles for Sunshine. Our third friend D is very fit, and I think she had no ramifications at all. It was super fun for me, bringing me back to those carefree days in our driveway, shooting hoops. If only there’d been a little late 80s rap on a boombox and the horrendous sound of a basketball hitting a metal shed, I would have been transported back to 1989. Oh, to let my backbone slide…

Anyway, I’m super glad I signed up, despite the fact that I’m normally in bed partway through the class. I think this will be a fun activity where I’ll get to sweat and spend time with my peeps. And if they don’t show up, I’ll just shoot some hoops myself, cause that’s just as fun, you know?

Onto the realizations. I met with the doc at BMI yesterday to evaluate how I’m doing on my scale holiday. It’s funny, but I feel a lot less stressed abou eating when I’m not weighing myself. We talked about why that might be, and I know it’s because I associate the scale with failure. The school put me in a weight loss program when I was 10, and I got weighed every week in front of my other fat classmates. What did I know about dieting? I ate what my mother gave me and snuck food when I could. So that scale brought gentle recrimination from the nutritionist and started me down the primrose path to hating myself when I don’t lose weight.

Anyway, my food diaries are very good. I’m still eating, on average, around 2000 calories a day. Saturday I ate about 1000 calories of bacon, and you know what? It was totally worth it. I don’t regret even one bite of that awesome porky goodness.

But, at 2000 calories a day, I’m probably not going to lose a whole lot more weight without living a life where I feel constantly deprived and hungry, which will only lead to binge eating and yo yo weight gains/losses. So, I’m coming to the realization that my body may just be a size 14/16 forever. And that’s going to have to be okay, because that’s what my body wants to be. There will be no medical intervention to make my hunger go away. I’m a bad candidate for both surgery and medicine, and frankly I’m okay with that.

So I guess I’m going to have to learn to accept me and turn around my thinking about some things. I have to stop looking at that woman in my office with the perfect body and thinking “man, life would be so much easier if I were skinny like her”. And I need to look at myself and see a different person. Maybe dress differently. Get someone to take some photos of me that I love. I watched a video of myself doing a mock job interview today and it was weird, but okay. I didn’t hate the way I looked, which is good. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it, either. So I guess that’s progress, right?

I dunno how to get from here to where I want to be, though. I won’t get weighed again for another two weeks, making a perfect four week scale holiday. We’ll see how I feel then – am I done, is it still coming off, do I feel better/good/okay/like crap? The doc says that when I’ve gone 2-3 months without losing any weight, I’m probably done. So, we’ll see where I’m at when that happens. I get the feeling I’ll be seeing these guys for a long time, because I’ve got issues. And they’ve got answers.