Remember when you were a teenager and you had pimples and you were being pimped on some kind of astringent cleanser? (Okay, I’ll fess up here: I didn’t really have pimples, and I never used an astringent cleanser. In fact, I didn’t start using any kind of cleanser until my mid-20s.) You were being sold on the idea that this would clean out your pores and zip them closed, magic style. I never was quite sure how that would work. Were you?

Today I had a persimmon with my breakfast. Persimmons are one of my favourite fruits, and possibly the only food I eat where you think to yourself “that’s so ripe, it’s no longer edible” and THEN you eat it. I’ve had four persimmons in my house for around a week now, waiting for them to get squishy.

Persimmons are grown, among other places, in Israel, where they are occasionally used in their unsquishy form as… astringents. No joke! I had been told this by the organic food guy who I used to get my fruit from, back when I worked in a cool location. I scoffed and thought to myself that no one would eat a face cleanser.

Today, I cut into my persimmon and immediately identified that although the outside was nice and squishy, the inside was still disturbingly firm. Crap. Crap. Crap. But I persevered, because I love me some persimmon.

You know what it’s like to eat something that’s astringent? Kind of like giving yourself permanent drymouth. I was sucking away at my mouth, trying to figure out why my tongue felt three sizes too big and why the roof of my mouth felt like sandpaper when I remembered that astringency¬† means to dry something out. Ptah. Ptah. Ptah! (that’s the sound of me trying to get some spit in my mouth)

Sure, the squishy parts were awesome, but the fact that they were covered in spit dissolvers that seem to have a one hour or so lifespan really, really sucks. (Get it? Sucks? Oh man, I’m so punny!)

Lesson learned: astringents on your oily face, not in your mouth. Let your persimmons ripen, people. Squishy is good. Squishy is your friend. And if that isn’t a motto for loving yourself in a weight loss environment, I don’t know what is!