I love my family doctor. She’s a few years older than I am and we’ve been together for 10 years. It’s the longest professional relationship I’ve ever had. She’s quite funny and we have a tendency to chat. I went in for a prescription refill and since that took about 30 seconds, we had the following conversation:

K: Dr P, what is that on my foot, anyway? I think it’s eczema. Do you think it’s eczema? Look, it’s got hard red bumps that dry out and crack and peel. That’s eczema, right?

Dr P (visibly cringes. She should try having the foot attached to her body): Uh. You know at some offices they have a fancy light that turns fungus a different colour. We don’t have that here.

K: Do you want to touch it?

Dr P: Not really.

K: I’m pretty sure it’s eczema.

Dr P: Is it between the toes?

K: No, because then I’d think it was athlete’s foot.

Dr P: It does look pretty dry.

K: Yeah, and it’s really really itchy. (Seriously woman. I need a steroid. Help me here.)

Dr P: Do you want me to do a scraping?

K: Could it be both eczema and athlete’s foot? Cause if you want, I’ll use both creams. (Please god, no scraping. Please no.)

Dr P: Sure, it could. Let me give you [insert two names I’d never heard before]. Are you sure you don’t want a scraping? (I think she was trying to get me to put my foot away. In her defence, it is rather revolting looking. I’ve lost one toenail from a Coachella wound and will soon lose another, and I have a cracked red rash on my foot. It’s pretty gross.)

K: Have you ever had someone come at your cracked skin with a razor? 

Dr P: Excellent point. Try the creams and come back in six weeks if it isn’t better. Maybe 8. You know, I’ll just give you six repeats. If it isn’t better at some point, we’ll do the scraping. (Thus guaranteeing I’ll never ask her about this again.)

K: Thanks.  

In and out in four minutes. I love that woman. She cracks me up. (Kind of like my foot! Get it? Cracked? Oh, I make myself laugh.)

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