So, last Monday I was full of piss and vinegar. I bopped off to BMI and had a good chat with Dr F and did a very painful class with Kelly and had a chat with her about finding some kind of rec sport that I might join this fall.

Tuesday I was so sore I had a hard time lifting my left (weaker) arm. Thanks, Kelly.

Wednesday I went to work, realized I had no meetings and a doctor’s appointment and decided to bring my laptop with me and work from home afterwards. And that’s about when my week feel apart.

“You’re taking this really well. Are you sure you’re okay?” I should note that my doctor has been my family phsyician for 12 years, and she’s only a few years older than I am and we get along quite well. She’s seen me through difficult bouts of mental illness and countless silly little sinus infections and sports injuries. I’m sure this is why she was a little less careful with her words as I was on my way out of the appointment.

I guess when your doctor tells you all gingerly-like that you have a bump that’s actually a mass and she’s not going to wait for the test results to refer you to a specialist, you’re supposed to realize that it’s serious. A little more serious than “hey, you had a weird test result on your pap and we’re going to send you for more investigation”. More like “I’m not waiting the month to get the result, but I’m sending you as soon as they can fit you in”.

When she says “I guess it could be a polyp”, and you go home and look up cervical polyps and see that 99% of them are benign you think “why didn’t she think it was a polyp? Why didn’t she just tell me I probably had a polyp? Is it because it doesn’t look like a polyp? I’d really like it to be a polyp”.

Did I mention that fact that 99% of polyps are benign? Man, I want this thing to be a polyp. But I don’t know what it is, and I won’t until I after I see a speciailist. I just spoke with that office and they don’t want to schedule anything until they get the test results, and I want them to schedule something now and assume that the results will be there by the time my appointment comes up.

So, I’m in a waiting game. It’s a mental game. Try not to think about it. When you think about it, think of it as a corn (also referred to as a mass). Reassure yourself that it could just be a polyp. Trust in the health care system. Book lots of activities and events because you’re sure it’s just a polyp. Tell your best friends and your parents and let them find ways to love and distract you. Get your garden landscaped because you want there to be beauty in your life and not horrendous weeds, and also because what if you need to have surgery and can’t maintain the yard? And go about your regular life.

So I spent Saturday running around like a chicken, buying perennials and shrubs and helping a gardener denude my yard of all grass. Yesterday I cooked and cooked and cooked some more and hosted my family for Mother’s Day. Today I’m at work, looking forward to seeing my new yard and going to the gym to see Kelly and being wicked sore tomorrow.

It’s not denial. I know something is in my body which shouldn’t be. It’s an acknowledgement that I don’t know anything and I can’t do anything about it until I get more tests and labs report back on them and doctors take out whatever it is and it all gets evaluated. So I’m going about my business. Doing my thing. Reassuring myself that I’m young and fit and it’s probably a polyp and I’ll be totally fine. Trying to forget that last Wednesday ever happened. 

(Except it did.)